People pleasing counselling: learning to stop abandoning yourself

You’re saying yes when internally you’re screaming NO.

You cancel your own plans to keep the peace.

You agree to projects you don’t have time for.

You work far beyond your job description, often without being asked.

You smile and nod, while resentment grows.

People pleasing isn’t kindness – it’s self-abandonment.

It’s often a coping mechanism learned earlier in life.

It’s time to replace it with boundaries that feel safe.

Agreeing to extra responsibility at work, despite already having too much on your plate.

Saying yes to events you secretly dread – that charity bake sale anyone?

Over-apologising constantly – sorry for being here, sorry for asking the question, sorry for taking up your time, space, attention.

Many people seek counselling for people pleasing when this pattern begins to affect their work, relationships, or sense of self.

People pleasing: how being “nice” costs you

People pleasing might not initially sound like a problem, so often, I hear clients say: well it’s nice to be nice or if I can help someone I will.

Often, when I hear this, people are trying to justify why they feel compelled to give more than they want to. It’s crossed the line beyond mindful giving to putting yourself at the bottom of your own list of priorities.

When this becomes your habit, you lose your connection with yourself: I work with so many people who are dismayed to realise they no longer know what they like. How much more enjoyable would life be if you knew what you like and weren’t afraid to make it happen.

It’s hard not to become resentful when you’re thinking about others and you’re getting nothing back. Often, those who give expect that people will be there for them, it can be heart breaking for them when they discover that their assumption was wrong. I’ve supported clients as they realised that other people aren’t following the same rule book, it’s painful to discover that just when you need them the most.

How people pleasing develops (and why it makes sense)

I hear time and time again:

“I’ve always been like this.

It’s just me.

It’s who I am”

It makes sense why people think this - they can’t remember a time when this wasn’t their automatic response. Being kind and giving can be a natural inclination think of toddlers, sharing their sticky sweets and caring for people who are upset. But when giving starts chipping away at your sense of self and starts to cost you there might be something more going on. Think again of a toddler, alongside their kind behaviour, they know their own mind and how to let you know what they want showing there is a time and place for both.

So, when that natural, toddler ability to assert your needs seems to be missing, and you can’t remember being any other way, it’s fair to say that this part of you has been supressed, maybe from a very young age. This is sometimes referred to as a “fawn” response – you have learned that letting others get their own way and over giving is a form of protection. You do it because it makes you feel safe. If we can keep in everyone’s good books, we won’t have to resort to other more extreme responses. But this is a slow dripping of tension and hyper-awareness of others, which is exhausting and you can easily lose yourself to. 

Why this pattern keeps repeating

When you start to rely on coping mechanisms like this, you often find yourself in a rhythm with the people around you. People pleasing often works well for other people. So long as you are meeting their needs, it’s unlikely that they are going to realise how much it is costing you and offer to lighten your load.

How counselling can help with people pleasing

When we see how deep-rooted people pleasing is, it’s clear why it’s not easy to stop. It’s what you’ve been doing to feel wanted, needed and safe.

It’s cost you self-knowledge and developing the ability to ask for what you want in reciprocal relationships. Trying to change that pattern can feel uncomfortable and, at times, frightening, it will take effort and time to set and reinforce new boundaries.

Therapy can be particularly helpful in unravelling patterns of people pleasing. It provides neutral, consistent support where you can voice how you really feel, update your rules for living and develop new boundaries that work for you.

My approach to people pleasing in counselling

I love working with people to increase their sense of self-acceptance and understanding that their worth is non-negotiable. It can’t be added to or taken away. No matter what you do, your worth isn’t on the line. At its core, people pleasing behaviour tells you: You’re only likeable if you…(…show up to every invitation…wear his favourite outfit…pretend you like that song). Dismantling this pattern involves claiming and owning your worth in a way that is kind and compassionate to yourself. This is powerful and deep work.

There’s so much to be gained from exploring people pleasing, it’s a really rich source of personal growth. If you call yourself a people pleasure (almost as a badge of honour) you might not really see how far reaching and ingrained, it has become. I can help you to view these patterns from a new perspective.

This work gives you an opportunity to clarify who you are and what matters to you. To ask, if you factored yourself as a priority (or even if you were fair and treated your needs as equal to other peoples) how would you want to show up in any given situation? When you are ready for change, I can offer a place for you to set your intention, develop useful tools, such as grounding techniques or assertive skills. Equally valuable is using our time together to debrief afterwards where you can share your successes, disappointments and learning. Having someone supportive, who is impartial can really help when you’ve recognised something has to change.

What becomes possible when you start choosing yourself

When you stop people pleasing, you are likely to experience a sense of emotional freedom – as you make changes you will collect evidence that it’s OK for you to say no and assert your own needs. You’ll realise that you are in the driver’s seat and you get a say in where you’re going.

You’re more authentic in how you show up, when you commit to something it’s because it’s in alignment with your values, or really means something to you. You want to be there and you get to do more things you enjoy.

You feel more secure in your relationships because you don’t show up out of obligation but because you want to. You no longer have a sneaking doubt whether people want you there for you or for the things you do. When you say no to people in your life and they accommodate you, you realise that you were equal this whole time and maybe some of the jumping through hoops you’ve been doing was never expected in the first place.

This naturally has a positive effect on your sense of self-worth and confidence. Through the process of setting boundaries and expressing your opinion, you will demonstrate to yourself you can cope with tough conversations and the discomfort of doing hard things. Supporting yourself through that will help you see that there’s a lot of areas that you haven’t been giving yourself credit for and that you are capable of so much more than you previously recognised.

Your next step

Sometimes, people are worried that if they start to think about themselves more, then they will suddenly become the total opposite of who they are now, especially that they will be selfish. I really want you to challenge than mentality, because I just don’t think anyone is put here to live a life exclusively fulfilling other peoples needs. When you make sure you’re filling your self-care cup up too everyone benefits because you show up more sustainable and energised way which benefits everyone.

If you’re considering making changes and would like to explore working together, I offer counselling in person in the Stockport/Cheadle area as well as online. You’re welcome to send me an email and we can arrange an informal, no-obligation call to talk through what you’re hoping for, see whether my approach feels like a good fit, and for me to answer any questions you may have.